bogwitch64: (Default)
I've not been sleeping well, and it's because of dreaming. Since that dream I shared with my brother, my mind has been nightly questing for something, though I'm not sure what.

Backtrack a little--I reconnected with an old friend from high school. I think that's where it started, but not too noticeably. The dreams I do remember didn't keep me awake. Then I went to Jamie's ultrasound, then the dream with my brother. The last three nights running, I've been having these dreams wherein I'm looking for someone out of my past. First it was a child who died six years ago. Someone had locked her away in an abandoned house, and I heard her calling. I woke trying to pull away the barriers. Next it was a friend from the old neighborhood, one I lost track of through many sad events; I was searching for him and when I found him, I couldn't hear anything he said, even though I could see him talking. Last night, it was one of my oldest, dearest friends, a man whose heart I broke several times and still he was always there for me, and I for him (boy next door scenario.) We were in a room together, talking, and he said, "You really don't know why I can't do this." And then he was gone, and I was in a glass car, searching for him in a snowstorm; and though I knew he was out there someplace, could hear him calling, I just couldn't find him.

Just yesterday, I reconnected with another old friend, a Marine I met in a chatroom just before she went overseas to Iraq. Through that old high school chum, I reconnected with a few more old high school chums. See the thread, here?

Anyway, for the past three nights, these dreams kept waking me with a start, but when I fell asleep again, they'd continue just where they left off. I remember them clearly the next day, and days later. They're not scary, just unsettling. They make me curious, and you know what curiosity does to this little oyster.

Am I searching for the past? Looking to reconnect like I did with this old high school buddy? Is it my birthday coming up next week? Is it my daughter's pregnancy? Am I simply searching for all the time I'm losing due to taxiing my son all over creation these last few weeks? It can be so many things causing these vivid quest dreams, and I can't say I hate having them. It's kinda cool, you know? It's making me think. But I do wish I didn't wake up so much. I feel groggy through most of the day.

Any and all thoughts welcome. I love this sort of thing.
bogwitch64: (Default)

Waking up Sunday morning, I dreamt that I was sitting at the table in my older brother's house. He came up behind me, cut off a chunk of my hair and said, "This needs to go. And now you have no choice."

I told him of this dream while at his house a little while later. He grabbed my arm and said, "Ask Jon what I dreamt last night. I dreamed you were cutting my hair saying, This has to go."

My brother and I are very close, and always have been. I'm not sure how to feel about this shared dream. I feel like I'm in that episode of Northern Exposure, where Chris and Bernard are sharing dreams. Maybe we're supposed to go on safari together...

What can I say? It was an eventful weekend. :)

bogwitch64: (babyT)

I had that dream again last night; one of my two recurring ones. The details change but the gist is essentially the same. Anxiety dreams that I have no idea what the hell I'm doing and someone's going to call me on it.

Usually, I'm in High School and I'm supposed to be in class but I don't have my schedule. I don't remember it. No one ever gave me one. I'm totally flustered. I can't understand why no one will just TELL ME where I'm supposed to be.

Sometimes I'm cooking a meal and I keep getting it wrong, putting in too much spice, usually salt. I have to keep starting over.

Last night, the dream took a new turn--I was in high school, but I was my age now. The school was putting up the musical, Grease, and they wanted me to play Rizzo. "But it was my daughter who played Rizzo, not me!" I kept telling them, but no one listened. They insisted I could do it. They insisted I knew all the lines.

I really hate this dream. I understand it. I know where it's coming from. Bottom line is, despite the confidence I have worked long years to acquire, that stupid, mousy, I'll-do-anything-anyone-tells-me-because-they-HAVE-to know-better-than-I-do girl still lurks in my psyche, trying to drag me back into ditzhood. Into doubting those things I know I'm good at.

In sleeping hours, I'm vulnerable to her. In those moments between worlds, I fear her. In waking hours, I squash her like the ridiculous little bug she is.

I know we're supposed to learn to love those aspects of ourselves we left behind. Accept them. Forgive them. Be at peace. The problem with that is, she was never me. Never. She is what circustances molded me into. It took me years to shuck the bitch off. I'll be damned if I give her the time of day now.

So tired

Feb. 2nd, 2009 12:51 pm
bogwitch64: (Default)
I don't think I've slept a full night since Christmas. I, who could always fall asleep at any time, in any place, cannot manage to get a six hour stretch without a tossing-and-turning bout of frustration somewhere around 2-3 every morning. It SUCKS!!! I hit about 1 every day and can bearly keep my eyes open, but I know if I sleep even for a little while, my chances of sleeping through the night go way down. This really is imbiggening. Pre-menopausal shit, I imagine. Blrgh.

On an up-note, I did wake this morning in the midst of a WWII/LOTR combo dream. I was in NYC, on my way to meet Aragorn (yes, Viggo) and Legolas (indeed, Orlando) at a Starbucks when I found myself diverted onto an aircraft carrier. They found me there, of course, and we watched the enemy boats fly down out of the sky to skim along the water, shooting as if we were in an air-fight instead of at sea. Aragorn put his arm around me and said, "We will fight with honor." And then I woke up.
bogwitch64: (Default)
The President (not Obama, not Bush) was shot outside a house where I was visiting. (I could recreate the house in the dream, but I have no idea where it was or who it belonged to.) I ran outside when I heard the gunshot and caught the President as he fell, and he turned into a broken, ceramic dog. As long as I kept the pieces together, the bleeding stopped. If I let up on them even a little bit, the ceramic bled.  If the pieces came apart, he would turn back into a man and die. I was screaming for his secret service people but no one believed me. They were pounding the bushes looking for him instead. My arms were giving out because the ceramic dog WANTED to come apart and I had to hold it together with all my strength. I finally got someone to listen to me and he took over holding the pieces together. I fell back, exhausted and some other secret service guy kicked the pieces out of his colleague's hands shouting at him for wasting time.

And as we all stood around looking, the dog bled, turned back into the President, and died.

How strange is that??
bogwitch64: (Default)
I'm not a player of video games but I do know that there are often levels one must beat before moving on to another level. So when my dream took on such an effect in the wee hours of this morning, I recognized it.

I was in some Xena-type world wherein these Fury-type creatures intent upon blowing up people's heads were preceded by this scary-type screech that got everyone running for 'sacred ground.'  The sacred ground was a patch of salted earth in the village center.

I, as heroine of the story, was on my way (I rode a lovely white horse, don't you know) to the mystical-magical place where a ward against these Furies could be found. I brought a specific vessel to carry it back to the village in.  Every time I reached a certain point on my journey, I came to a tavern much like any tavern in any Xena episode. Lots of fur and leather clad warriors, breasty barmaids, toothless old men. Typical.

I always had a question for the barman--how do I get to mystical magical place, or something otherwise innocuous. Then, of course, a chair breaking, table collapsing, drunken tussle would break out. Though I tried to get out, I never managed to do so without dropping the vessel, forced to see it shatter into little bits over and over again.

And then, of course, I was back in the Xena-type village with the Fury-type creatures blowing up people's heads. Every time I woke up and fell back to sleep, I had the same dream--or at least it seemed that way. Who knows when it comes to dreamlike video games...or videogame like dreams.

Anyone else have strange dreams lately?


bogwitch64: (Default)

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